I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
a search helicopter?!
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
