Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
