So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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