Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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