he was CRYING into my vagina
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize