You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
