Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
