I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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