Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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