Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
