The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
