why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
