Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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