Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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