For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
