If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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