So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
