we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
