I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
