White coat. Heels.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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