You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
