I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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