if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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