you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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