I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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