I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you will always have a special place in my vag
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
