I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
