This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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