Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
