I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
