Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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