my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he shaved USA in his pubs
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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