he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
