just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
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