There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
