don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
