he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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