i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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