just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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