In the future we'll all be gay
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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