all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
