You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
