I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
