We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
