one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
