Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
