If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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