sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
