I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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