I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
