I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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