fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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