The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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