We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My liver just had a heart attack.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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