I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
soo... how was my night?
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