If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
