That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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